March 29
That day was very chaotic in my memory, I kept thinking about my own ideological issues and didn’t pay attention to other things.
Today is the day my mother returns. She was expected to come back around 9 o’clock, while my childhood friend’s father left around 7 o’clock, so I immediately took back the computer to prevent my mother from taking it away directly. After my mother returned, I chatted with her, and she said that she was loudly promoting the success of our three children in studying at her hometown, and then said that this caused a lot of envy among the villagers, they set our family as a model, blah blah (becoming “other people’s children”). I felt cold inside, it’s over, my speculative behavior has probably harmed many children, especially the children of the villagers I don’t even know, feeling very guilty. Then I was discovered by comrades, who pointed out that I appeared in posts about kite flying with commands and brutal suppression, with a very official tone. I indeed spoke as if I were an elder talking to newcomers, using authority to pressure people, thinking “how can you have safety issues, this is too obvious,” seeming to care about newcomers, but actually very much like Confucian parents, under the banner of “for your good” to force others to do things. Especially when I saw that he had the intention to correct himself, I was saying these words to establish my authority. Comrades also pointed out:
Treating people as targets to attack is not just simple fanaticism, but essentially stepping on others’ heads to show off, using others to gain benefits. The leftist circle most loves this set of tactics… The most important thing is that this behavior is actually ignoring others’ political life, which is a very reactionary thought.
I also plan to write a self-criticism. I remember listening very seriously during the reading club later, but I didn’t understand much. I have a lot of things to do and it makes me busy and chaotic, so I only remember these parts.
Words of encouragement to myself: This is the first time since I joined the organization that so many of my problems have erupted. It’s inevitable to be busy and chaotic. I want to criticize, but the way and attitude I use are also wrong, with a tendency to brutal self-criticism and a lack of ideological struggle. But I believe I can overcome this difficulty. This experience of solving ideological problems will definitely be very helpful for ideological transformation.