May Day workday diary

free discussion Work Diary
19

I spent today thinking again about the question of “eating” while working.

Working five hours a day, then going home to eat lunch. Standing for a long time, working again, sometimes feeling like something is biting in my stomach, hungry to the point of faintness, my mind only thinking about lunch. As soon as I get home, I start eating, swallowing like a wolf, of course not very decent. And I really have to eat every bit of vegetable stalk, leaf, and rice: in the past, I had more time to eat, always eating slowly and picking at my food. But now, to save time, I have to use a “sweeping” tactic, quickly putting whatever I can eat into my stomach, ignoring picking.

I thought of the “I” in the life of a party member. “I” am wholeheartedly for the revolution, willing to go hungry, eating eggplant until it’s hard to breathe when going upstairs. But now I can eat without worry every day, sometimes even having fruit and snacks. And I don’t think at all about my eating and living problems. Not to mention the pressure from Nazi persecution and pursuit that could cause stress in life. So, I am still a long way from being a true proletarian; and to be a true revolutionary, I need to work harder, walking a very long road.

When I worked at the reactionary black factory, I often squatted in a small alley with my meal, quickly finishing it, then going back to the machine to work. Sometimes I would have a thought, “Ah, the life of a parasite student, no need to work, comfortable and easy, but now…” I would immediately stop this thought. Parasite, what’s so formidable about it? Nothing more than getting something without working. I am now considered a semi-parasite because I still eat my parents’ food and live with my parents. So, this is a critical moment of ideological struggle. Either choose to rely on labor to support myself, or retreat to the position of a parasite. If I don’t fight against the ideas of parasitism and hatred of labor, and finally give up working and fully revert to a parasitic life, that would be terrible.

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20

(Preliminary note: Today it is even more necessary to write a self-criticism, so I will pause writing the diary.)
Self-Criticism:
What happened? Xuri sent out my reply to his theoretical questions. What does this reply reflect? First, my bureaucratic attitude. Second, my low theoretical level.

Most importantly, the first issue. A person’s ability varies, but whether one’s thoughts are noble or not, and whether one’s actions are noble or not, are what determine everything. Looking down on comrades and giving orders is not noble at all; on the contrary, it is clumsy. Why can’t I speak properly to comrades instead of adopting a posture as if fighting enemies? Isn’t Xuri a comrade, or is he an enemy? Beating down on comrades or allies to satisfy oneself only shows that one’s stance has shifted to the enemy’s side.

Regarding unity and criticism, I also need to consider how to treat newcomers. In criticizing TD, I did not do well; some of my initial words were unnecessary and too harsh. Although it was a case of a blind cat running into a dead rat, and TD himself was quite reactionary, my criticism of TD was generally correct. But can I simply copy this experience and treat it as a consistent approach to newcomers? This could lead to a closed-door policy. Forcing the door shut, claiming to be “revolutionary,” is actually un-revolutionary or even counter-revolutionary, undermining our revolutionary line of uniting the masses.

On the issue of sectarianism. Clearly, the resolution of theoretical issues should not be made public; shouldn’t we leverage discussion to solve problems? But why was it only exposed after Xuri brought it up? It shows that I keep a private space for communication. This small space is not for the confidentiality needed for revolution but is created to satisfy my bureaucratic mindset. So, four words: guilty conscience. I am familiar with Xuri and Huotan, but I have not fully utilized the positive role of “familiarity”—mutual encouragement, criticism, and self-criticism (after all, knowing each other well makes criticism more practical). Instead, it has become a capital for me to point fingers and criticize.

From now on, any problems discovered privately must no longer be concealed; they should be openly and fully exposed whenever possible. Through broad discussion, we can eliminate these problems. This is a method I have come up with now. Moreover, the actual implementation of this method must involve mutual supervision among us. There should be no so-called “private resolution.”

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21

Additional Reflection:

When was this reply made? At that time, I had just started working, and I was already proud, treating participation in labor as capital, thinking I was impressive and advanced enough to point out others. Relying on superficial knowledge scraped from various sources, I criticized the theoretical issues of the Sun Rising with an attitude of superiority.

Sun Rising once suggested I publish it openly, but because I was busy at work and didn’t pay much attention at the time, I forgot to take the initiative to publish it. Until yesterday, Sun Rising said I was busy with work, so he helped me publish it openly, and everyone saw it and criticized it. I am willing to accept criticism from comrades, and I also do self-criticism to correct my own mistakes.

Only through these days of labor did I truly realize my backwardness. Workers have many excellent qualities, but I lack them myself; I am still living off my parents without paying my own way, still parasitic; I don’t even have the courage to confront capitalists. Without everyone’s help, I might really be scared away… There are so many areas where I am backward, what right do I have to be advanced? I was so arrogant at the time, acting so impressive. Now that I think about it, I feel ashamed. Those words of mine make me feel ashamed every time I read them. I need to look at them from time to time, only then can I remember and learn.

This time, I truly learned my lesson. Pride can turn me into a backward element, cause me to stumble, and allow bad ideas to reemerge. If I don’t work hard to be humble now, I will continue to fall behind, stumble, and have bad thoughts in my mind. I don’t want that. So how can I not resolve to become a humble person? And I still need the help of my comrades to help me become a humble person.

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22

It has been a long time since the last update, today I am updating my work diary again.

When I arrived at the shop this morning, the shop manager dog started to sing her old tune, saying that it’s a new year and we need to work harder. I ignored her. When I started working, she added that if business is bad this year, one person will be fired. The target was on me because I am a newcomer and work worse than them, so if someone is to be fired, it will definitely be me (this kind of action should be illegal dismissal, right?).

After finishing some work, the shop manager asked me to cut fruit. I saw that the counter was very clean and shiny, so I forgot to put down the cutting board, but I didn’t touch the fruit flesh to the counter. The dog shop manager saw this and immediately ran over to scold me, saying, “Can this customer eat what you cut? Throw it away immediately.” (She’s right, parasitic customers are indeed picky.) Then she asked me, “Who taught you to cut like this? Did B teach you to do this?”

This treacherous shop manager is just sneaky, always looking for trouble, sabotaging my relationship with other coworkers (mainly B). Usually, if I make a careless mistake, she scolds B and says she taught me badly, so B resents me, and I get scolded for my mistakes while she gets off scot-free. Thinking of this, I replied, “No, she always uses a cutting board, I just forgot.” The dog shop manager didn’t say anything and left, and in the afternoon she didn’t bother B either.

At noon, it rained heavily. I asked B to lend me a raincoat, and she happily lent it to me. The raincoat was too thin, and in the evening I found that I had torn it (the down jacket was too thick). I was very conflicted about returning the raincoat to B; I thought I should pay her, but I also felt she probably wouldn’t want it. When I returned it at night, she indeed didn’t want it. So what’s there to pay? She said, “But she also felt a bit reluctant, saying it’s a pity, it only broke after wearing it once today.”

My evening went well. Because the shop manager had already gone home early (during the Spring Festival, she stays until nine or ten every night), I smoothly finished the book club reading.

The main shortcoming today was that I didn’t schedule reading in the afternoon. Because I was comfortable, I procrastinated and didn’t read a single word of the book until five or six in the evening when I went to work. Tomorrow afternoon, I will read what I need to present at the book club first, and the remaining time I will spend reading Political Economy of Capitalism (Nankai edition). I plan to finish reading the primitive society part in a few days.

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23

You can buy one later and return it to her.

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24

I really had to buy a raincoat and return it to her. Actually, at that time I had this thought: buy a raincoat or pay her compensation, and my wallet would have less money; but as expected, B said no need to compensate, and I was actually very happy at that moment. Using my coworker’s things until they broke and not wanting to pay for them is very selfish. I shouldn’t think every day about how to take small advantages.

25

It is stated in the “Three Main Disciplines and Eight Points for Attention” that damage to the people’s property must be compensated at fair value.

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26

Indeed, I should pay more attention to this in the future.

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30

You can also buy an umbrella and return it to the person, and by the way, have a sincere conversation with him about his dissatisfaction with your work, understand what his past practices are like, and explain with facts and reason that your behavior is nothing more than affecting the capitalists’ exploitation of surplus value. Working hard is just to survive in capitalism. The store manager should train workers to become tools that adapt to production, not treat them as individuals. If everyone’s exploitation and production go smoothly, wouldn’t that become a paradise for the exploiting class?

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33

Buying an umbrella is not an option; she usually commutes by electric bike, and if it rains, she needs to use a raincoat.

39

What happened after this?

40

I took the new raincoat over, but no matter what I said, she wouldn’t take it. The matter faded away afterward.

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27

This morning I ate a small bowl of vegetable porridge, but I really didn’t have time to eat more, so I just swallowed two slices of bread before leaving (I had bought some bread online earlier and kept it for times when I was in a hurry). If I don’t eat enough, my stomach shrinks after an hour or two of work.

Yesterday morning, after finishing some necessary chores, I had almost nothing to do. Business is indeed not very good, not many customers. But today, the fruit started to rot again, so I had some work to do. In the morning, the manager gave me some food (I couldn’t say the name, it’s a type of hot pot ingredient), and at that moment my stomach was empty. I thought to myself, anyway, I wouldn’t work harder for her, so I might as well eat it—it’s just for filling my stomach. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my way of thinking.

Now every night is like a “Great Depression,” almost no one in the shop. After cleaning up, there’s still over an hour of free time, and other workers are walking around. I feel like this shop might close: during the Spring Festival, I heard from the workers that the manager and the landlord had a fierce fight over the rent. The day before yesterday and today, the manager warned me that the business is bad and one person might be laid off. Up to now, the two workers in the shop still occasionally talk about work issues. Tonight, while they were chatting (I was still listening to the reading club), I vaguely heard Worker B mumbling, “We won’t hang ourselves on the same tree; if this job is gone, we can go somewhere else…”

I rarely join their conversations; I always think they are just casual chats, nothing special. This kind of thinking of mine actually shows that I don’t trust or respect the masses, and I’m unwilling to honestly be a student of the masses, looking down on their knowledge about eating, dressing, living, and traveling. I ask myself, how much do I know about daily life now? It’s still very insufficient. So, what right do I have to look down on the working people? Once, when the workers were discussing how to buy vegetables and cook, I showed an indifferent expression. When they saw it, they teased me: “You’re really ‘happy,’ you don’t have to worry about eating, unlike us, who face cold pots and bowls every day.” I was shocked and ashamed when I heard that, not knowing what to say.

Many times, I could chat with the workers, learn from them, and use Marxist-Leninist principles to communicate and guide. But I didn’t do that; instead, I became a silent gourd, although my body was with the working people, my heart was detached from them. I learn too little from the masses, so I don’t understand their real interests in various aspects. If I continue like this without making changes, the work of ideological transformation will never be completed, and it won’t help the workers at all. Therefore, it is necessary to correct this bad habit. In the future, I should talk more with the workers, share the situation of our exchanges, and definitely cure this problem.

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29

Be prepared for May 1st; if they lay you off, ask for your severance pay.

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31

You could say that I have indeed been living like this for the past ten years or so. My parents hoped I knew nothing and just focused on climbing the ranks and making money to repay them. But I also have to become a self-reliant worker and live independently. It’s just right to exchange experiences about life, understand their thoughts. May 1st should also be a time to find the gap between myself and workers, narrow the differences, transform my thoughts, and live like the proletariat, both in life and in ideology.

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34

I’ve been working at the new factory for a week now, and I should probably tell my comrades about my situation:

I’m currently working at a shoe material factory, handling foam and fabric bonding. The factory has about forty to fifty people, and the workshop is quite large. The work schedule is “flexible,” and whether overtime is available depends on order volumes. Now is peak season, so overtime every day; after hard work, I’ve only managed to earn a little extra money. In the off-season, it’s an “eight-hour workday.”

A week ago, one evening, I moved into the factory dormitory and began a new life. The dormitory is a bit rundown; at first I was a bit picky, but now I’m getting used to living there. I’m living with only one other worker, whom I’ll call M. He’s eight years older than me. Coincidentally, he also dropped out of high school in Grade 11, saying school was too disruptive and he couldn’t stand the management, so he left to work. He said he had been to several places in other towns to learn a craft, but learned nothing, and then came to the factory. That night we talked for a while; he asked if I played games or smoked, and I said no. He laughed: “I don’t believe a person who has no hobbies at all!” He then said, “I’m terribly bored, with nothing to do. I can only scroll videos and play games; otherwise I’d just sleep.” — Indeed, every night this past week, whenever he had nothing to do, he would fall into a deep sleep immediately. He goes to bed early, around nine o’clock; when he’s awake, I’m still attending a reading group, so we haven’t really talked much.

In the canteen, breakfast is congee and buns; sometimes, if lucky, you only get congee. To make breakfast easier to swallow, I splurged on some canned goods and pickled vegetables. For lunch and dinner, there’s food and dishes; plenty of oil, but basically vegetables. Because the factory has foam, I made a “mattress” and laid it on top of the bed frame, otherwise sleeping on the moldy bed frame would feel like an infection; a piece of “dishcloth,” which is usable…

Note: Since it’s already quite late today, I’ll stop here. The above is a simple, rough description of the factory situation; further updates will follow about other aspects of factory life, the workers, and my own mental state.

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35

We recommend you rest well on May Day, because the factory is a high-pressure, physically demanding environment; once you start, you might not be able to endure it, your physical fitness could decline, and if you suddenly catch a cold it would be really hard to bear, and you’re not sure how you all handle taking leave or not.

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36

How intense is the workload on May Day?

37

This kind of job is not easy. I have an older cousin who was in a similar industry, but he worked with building material foam. It was probably used as soundproofing material for building, though I’m not sure. The physical intensity was very high, and he got injured on the job, so he stopped doing it.

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38

Friend, when you’re at the factory you must take care to protect your body. Because if your hands stop, your mouth stops too—once injured, life becomes very difficult. If you feel something is wrong, quit immediately.

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