April 25
Since I started using the forum, five days a week of school life has become越来越折磨人了, but I must say this is a good phenomenon. I’ve completely shaken off the numbness of speculative studies in the past few years and am increasingly able to feel the reality wrapped in beautiful words.
First, a report on this week’s study progress: I’m reading Volume I of the 72-year edition of Lenin’s Selected Works. Excluding the large economic section “The Development of Russian Capitalism” that I skipped, I’m almost done with What Is to Be Done? I can deeply feel that I was almost two different people before and after reading What Is to Be Done? Next week I plan to continue with Lenin’s selections, the week after next with An Introduction to Political Economy, because I clearly feel how ignorant I am about the most important economic content.
This Wednesday and Thursday I took exams; the results are out but not yet checked. I feel I performed roughly at the same level as before. Theoretical study hardly affects speculative study, but next Thursday I have another exam, then after the Labor Day holiday there’s midterms again—truly disgusting.
Regarding events from the earlier weeks: at school I’ve been trying to tell the friends I get along with well a few political views, but without exception they’ve shown reactionary stances. One is a student from the Tsinghua-Peking class. I told him about China’s “aid” to Africa, and he said Africans are oppressed by choice, one who wants to fight, one who wants to endure. Another dream of his is to join the army. I mentioned a little about military suppression, and he smiled and said: “If I become a soldier in the future and my leadership’s uprising happens in my hometown, I would press the missile button with great sorrow.” It’s terrifying. After my attempts, when I looked for the first person again, he thought what I said made sense. His plan is to be neutral. I’ve met him several times since; he seems to have been immersed in the speculative study of the Tsinghua-Peking class. Now when I message him on QQ, he doesn’t respond, and I’m not sure I want to talk to him either. Someone who shared a dorm with him agrees with my view of the current system. I had hoped for him, but when the topic expanded to Stalin, he began to attack. I asked how he knew about these things, he said he learned from “Old White Theater” (a reference), which made me incredibly angry. I’ve met him several more times; he’s also immersed in the speculative study of the Tsinghua-Peking class, and his family is very strict about electronics. In the end he said conditions don’t allow it, he can only go with the flow like other days. Now I don’t talk to him much.
Also about the two “comrades” I mentioned in my self-introduction: one of them I brought Lenin’s Selected Works for and watched in secret in the dorm. But his problem is very big: besides buying Lenin’s Selected Works, he also brought home the Mao Zedong Selected Works after reform and reads them with great interest. Despite my reminders, he hasn’t taken Mao’s works with him, saying something about redacted editions still being learnable. He basically treats Marxism as a joke and a pastime, and in daily life hasn’t expressed criticisms of the current regime; instead he keeps asking stupid questions. I’ve almost given up hope for him. The other is the one who treats Nazi salutes as a joke. I won’t go into other details; we were having a meal when I angrily said: “If you don’t study theory, you’ll die, Feng.” He retorted, “Die, Feng! Your whole family will die.” This reflects my own great problems, but also shows his issues.
In short, the lesson from the past few weeks is that you must not express political views casually, even to close people. Revolutionary-leaning students are still very few. But up to now I still haven’t revealed political views to my family and I don’t know whether that’s right or wrong.
This week’s important point is that I broke with that Trotskyist who was on QQ. Every week when he comes back, he chats with me for several hours, constantly sending doctored photos of Stalin and Mao Zedong. I endure my anger and discuss current situations with him, as well as their Trotskyist organization; I try to avoid differences. Now I know they have their own organization, mainly active on Telegram, with an official account on Bilibili “Defend Ma Network,” also accounts on Twitter, and a publishing site called “The Bolshevik.” From what he says, he counts more than 80 people who have published articles in The Bolshevik, likely a few hundred people in total. He’s a reader who collects information to help the Trotskyist organization. He’s a high school senior in Jiangsu who, led by classmates, came into Troism. He created a group that includes all kinds of people: libertarians, anarchists, etc. This week, after coming back, I learned from the forum about various crimes of Chinese Trotskyists. He used to reply to my messages instantly; this time when I sent these messages, he stopped replying. In the end I sent a few ugly photos of Trotsky and blocked him.
From now on updates should be weekly.
